Educating Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: While worrying about AJ's future schooling, Archer learns some things about his family that give him cause for concern. And gives Lana another reason to doubt of her choice for Archer to be the father of her child. (As if she didn't have enough of them.)


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone back to school. This random piece of madness just fell right out of my tiny mind. It takes place literally minutes after the events of Jell-O In A Blender.**

 **Educating Archer**

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THE INCOMPETENCE OF YOU IDIOTS!" Mallory screamed at her employees in her office.

"Mother it's not our fault you lost your temper and insulted that Haines woman who disinvited you to that stupid party not even **five minutes** ago," Archer grumbled at the volume of his mother's voice.

"Yes it is! Especially **yours** Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"Okay in the first place I didn't know the woman I brought to work the other day was the daughter of Mrs. Haines whose ass you wanted to kiss up to!" Archer began.

"You're not supposed to bring in random whores in off the street into this office!" Mallory shouted.

"And **B**!" Archer went on. "I'm not the one who called her a whore and pushed her down a flight of stairs!"

"In hindsight that was rather reckless of you," Pam pointed out.

"No? _Really?_ " Mallory said sarcastically.

"Yes," Pam said. "As well as mouthing off and insulting that Haines lady on the…"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC YOU IDIOT!" Mallory shouted.

"Well it's hard to tell with you," Pam said.

Mallory growled. "Get out. Except for you Sterling and Lana."

"What did I do?" Lana asked.

"Yeah! What?" Cheryl said excitedly.

"The rest of you can go now!" Mallory barked.

"We can but honestly we want to see you yell at Mr. Archer some more," Cheryl said brightly.

"I would enjoy that," Cyril grinned.

"As would I," Ray smirked.

"I got time to kill," Krieger admitted.

"I wish I could kill you all literally…" Mallory grumbled.

"Mother just get it over with," Archer grumbled. "What are you complaining about **now?"**

"Well I was hoping to discuss this with you two in **private,"** Mallory glared at the others. "But I wanted to give you some brochures. For my granddaughter."

"If they're about childhood obesity again I think we'll _pass,"_ Archer glared at his mother.

"It's not about **that** but **seriously** …" Mallory gave them a look. "You two really should be concerned."

"Mallory," Lana growled. "According to my pediatrician Abbiejean is the perfect weight for her age. And I think an actual licensed doctor with over **fifteen years' experience** is a better judge of that than **you.** "

"Yeah Mother!" Archer barked.

"You're on **her side**?" Mallory gasped.

"Yes I am!" Archer snapped. "Even I know about healthy birth and infant weights. They gave me a pamphlet about it when I got my doula certification."

"I wish you took reading your mission dossiers **half** as seriously as you do reading all these ridiculous things you read," Mallory sniffed. "Which explains why a lot of your missions are so **half assed**!"

"Is there a point to this berating or…?" Archer asked.

"I've been doing some research on Abbiejean's future," Mallory took out some brochures from her desk.

"If those are for future fat camps forget it!" Archer barked.

"No, but thank you for reminding me to be on the lookout for **that!** " Mallory snapped. "These brochures are for quality boarding schools as well as a few exclusive private girls' schools that are near or in New York."

"Boarding schools?" Lana startled.

"She's not even in kindergarten yet!" Ray spoke up.

"I'm **aware** of that!" Mallory snapped. She brought out more brochures. "These are for exclusive kindergartens and primary schools!"

"Mallory, isn't it a little early for that?" Lana asked. "She's only a baby."

"She won't be forever," Mallory pointed out. "Trust me Lana. You need to start making plans for your daughter's future education. Or if she turns out to be anything like her **father,** future back up schools in case she gets **thrown out**!"

"Oh here we go…" Archer grumbled.

"Do you have any idea how much I sacrificed so you could have a decent education?" Mallory snapped at her son. "Not that you ever **appreciated** it! Half the schools you got kicked out of would have done wonders for your career and social connections!"

"Half?" Archer raised an eyebrow.

"I admit that several of those schools turned out to be breeding grounds for liberal communism and infested with hippies and scam artists," Mallory sniffed. "But many of them were actually decent! Thank God I had an in at St. Joshua's Prep School!"

"From what I can imagine several ins with several teachers," Pam quipped. "If you get my drift."

"And a guidance counselor," Archer groaned.

"After all the stunts you pulled I'm amazed you were able to get a high school diploma at all!" Mallory barked. "When I think of all the times I had to cover up your antics. The pleading and begging with those snobs at the PTA and on the school boards. The bribes. The blackmail."

"The sleeping around with anything in pants," Cheryl added.

"All those god awful school candies I had to buy…" Mallory groaned. "Although I admit they came in rather handy whenever I traveled to poor countries. Used them as currency in some cases. And weapons in others."

"If it's anything like the band candy back at my high school I can see that happening," Pam added. "Dusty Limberg once lost three of his teeth on one."

"I even had to get some of your teachers terminated," Mallory went on. "Both literally and figuratively."

"That is pretty scary," Cyril winced.

"And then there was the debacle of your college days!" Mallory snapped. " **That** was money _well spent_! Thousands of dollars wasted for over two and a half years just so you could drink, screw around with any co-ed in a tight dress, and pass out in the public library!"

"Wow, Archer actually lasted almost **three years**?" Krieger asked.

"Technically only two," Archer said. "I dropped out and didn't tell Mother."

"That rip off of a school kept taking my money after Sterling dropped out," Mallory growled. "Something about paying off all the damages."

She then glared at Krieger. "And **you're** one to talk! At least Sterling was able to **get** into college! You couldn't even get into Grenada!"

"I would have if you'd slept with the dean like you did with Archer!" Krieger pointed to Archer.

"Oh for Christ's sake Krieger!" Mallory barked. "You saw how ugly that man was! Even Pam wouldn't sleep with him!"

"That depends on how many moles the guy had," Pam spoke up.

"You'd do a guy if he kept rodents in his house?" Cheryl asked.

"I'm going to stop this conversation right now before it gets any weirder and stupider," Lana held up her hand. "Mallory as much as I appreciate your interest. I think I'll wait until AJ is a little older before worrying about her education."

"I dunno, Lana," Cyril said. "Mallory may have a point."

"About not sleeping with ugly guys with rats?" Cheryl asked.

"No, about finding schools early for AJ," Cyril glared at her. "Good schools have waiting lists years in advance. It may not be a bad idea to start shopping around just to get a head start. Especially if you want your daughter to get a leg up in life."

"Oh please!" Archer snapped. "I went to dozens of so called 'good schools' and I barely learned anything at all that's useful in real life."

"That's because you had the study skills of a fruit fly during its last hour of life," Mallory glared at him.

"I'm just saying even if you go to the so called 'upper crust' schools that doesn't guarantee anything," Archer said. "The whole education system is a racket anyway! Ask anyone who took out a student loan!"

"I went to a lot of finishing schools and a really expensive college," Cheryl spoke up. "Only the best for the Tunts!"

"Oh and it did wonders for **you** ," Archer said sarcastically.

"Well I guess there's only so much one can do against genetics," Mallory sighed.

"I'm with Archer on this," Pam said. "I didn't go to any fancy schools when I was growing up! Hell I didn't even go to preschool or kindergarten!"

"What did you do? Just play with the animals in the barn all day?" Mallory asked.

"Yeah, up until first grade. And a few years after. How did you know?" Pam asked.

"Educated guess," Mallory sighed. "Actually that explains your behavior."

"A lot about your behavior," Cyril admitted.

Mallory glared at Ray. "And I'm guessing the trailer park you grew up in Gillette didn't exactly have a first rate preschool."

"I was with my Mama and my Granny!" Ray snapped. "And they taught me how to read and write and count before I was two! Can you say the same about Archer?"

"Honestly I don't remember," Mallory admitted. "But if his test scores are anything to go by I'm guessing no."

"Hey!" Archer barked.

"Now that I think about it," Mallory went on. "I'm not so sure Sterling learned to read before his last year of high school!"

"Oh ha, ha! Mother!" Archer barked. "I was reading way before that!"

"Well not textbooks obviously," Mallory shrugged as she took a drink.

"I had a good education," Cyril spoke up. "My father was a school superintendent. So I kind of had a leg up on which teachers were the best. And was able to get into a good college with the strings he pulled."

"Oh bully for you Little Lord Faulty-Roy!" Archer mocked. "Well there's another vote against education."

"Hang on," Ray remembered something. "I remember seeing a picture in your office Archer about you with a graduation cap and gown holding a diploma from Georgetown University."

"That's as fake as a strippers tits," Mallory snorted. "I had Woodhouse set up that picture in case someone questioned Sterling's credentials."

"Woodhouse did mine too," Krieger nodded. "The man does stage quality photos."

"He didn't fake **all** of them," Mallory corrected. "Remember your science fair? The one where you won that second place medal?"

"Which was taken away! Should have been first place," Krieger grumbled. "But the _school board_ had _issues_ with using real plutonium!"

"Krieger I told you that wasn't your fault," Mallory said. "The asbestos level alone in that building would have neutralized that extremely small amount you used! And as I pointed out to the principal there were no rules about using it! Those people were just jealous. But I was very proud of you!"

"You _were?"_ Archer did a double take.

"Really?" Krieger was surprised.

"Well of course! His invention got me a contract with the Department of Defense!" Mallory took out a picture from her wallet. "And that was much more important than a silly medal! Look here we are with the big oversized check the government gave us."

"Wow, never really pictured you without a beard Krieger," Pam looked at the picture. "And I still can't."

"I grew my facial hair in early," Krieger admitted.

"Hold on," Archer blinked. "I recognize this date! This is the date when I had my Lacrosse Championship Awards dinner! You said you were too busy to come! That you had something more important to do!"

"I did," Mallory pointed. "See that general on the end?"

"WHAT?" Archer yelled.

"More like **someone** more important to do," Ray quipped.

"Oh don't look at me like that Sterling! I was able to get some good work contracted from him," Mallory waved.

"After you gave him a good workout I bet," Pam snorted.

"It was a good arrangement," Mallory said. She then frowned. "Until that bitch of a wife of his found out about us."

Archer glared at his mother. "You were with **Krieger** during one of the most important days of my life? And where are your pictures of **me?"**

"I have some…Somewhere," Mallory waved.

"Go ahead and **look!** " Archer folded his arms. "I'll wait."

"What _now?_ " Mallory blinked.

"Why **not?** " Archer asked. "Show me what pictures you have in your wallet."

"Uhhh…" Mallory blinked.

"Yeah! Show us!" Cheryl said. "Unless you want me to burn it!"

"NO!" Mallory grumbled as she took out her purse and rummaged around it. "Oh for heaven's sake!"

"Go on! I want to see what pictures you carry!" Archer said.

"This is ridiculous! I obviously have **some** pictures in here!" She took out the photo section of her wallet. "That's me and Duchess. Duchess getting a blue ribbon. Duchess again. Another picture of Duchess…"

"God I hated that dog," Archer grumbled.

"She wasn't that bad," Krieger said. "She liked me."

"You **met** Duchess the Dog from Hell?" Archer barked.

"Yeah. Here's a picture of me and Duchess and Ms. Archer," Krieger pointed out. "Oh I remember this day! This was taken at my high school graduation!"

"YOU WENT TO KRIEGER'S GRADUATION CEREMONY BUT NOT **MINE**?" Archer shouted.

"I knew this was going to be good if we stayed," Cyril said to Ray.

"Why would you go to **his** graduation ceremony?" Archer shouted at his mother as he pointed at Krieger.

"Well she did raise me since I was a child and kidnapped me," Krieger said. "And she legally adopted me."

"WHAT?" Archer shouted.

"Technically **not** legally," Mallory waved. "Just made it look legal. I had to do some kind of phony paperwork to get him out of Argentina and into the United States."

"I thought you took Krieger from Brazil?" Pam asked.

"I did," Mallory said. "To a black site hidden in Argentina where he was deprogrammed and then reprogrammed. And then I had a few other assignments so I figured I'd leave him there for a few extra months. I mean he was there anyway. And it was close by to where I was working at the time. So…"

"And another piece of Krieger's puzzle fits into place," Ray rolled his eyes.

"It wasn't that bad," Krieger said. "There were a lot of scientists being held there and a lot of cool experiments going on. Some of which I took part in."

"Conducting them or as a test subject?" Ray blinked.

"Eh a little bit of both actually," Krieger shrugged.

"And that explains even more…" Ray groaned.

"And of course I pretended to be his mother when I sent him off to school," Mallory shrugged. "You know to fool the district and those nosy teachers."

"Why did you pretend to be Krieger's mother?" Archer asked.

"Honestly?" Mallory shrugged. "I wanted to see what it would be like to have a son that I could be **proud of** academically."

"Oh _really?_ " Archer barked. "Proud of a man who couldn't even get into **Grenada**? Which is basically the Wal-Mart of doctor's degrees!"

"Those SAT scores are rigged!" Krieger snapped.

"At least Krieger actually **tried** to pass his exams!" Mallory snapped. "And he did very well in Show Choir. I found his performances quite enjoyable!"

"YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO KRIEGER'S SHOWS?" Archer yelled.

"Yes. You know those TV shows have got it wrong," Mallory waved. "The Show Choir mothers are very nice and supportive. And a lot of them were related to either lawyers or businessmen or people in government. I actually made some decent contacts there."

"How many of his little shows did you go to?" Archer shouted. "I ask because you've **never** been to any of _mine!"_

"Actually I have. **Once** …" Mallory gave him a look. "Your third grade production of Peter Pan. Which was more than enough!"

"I played Peter Pan," Archer explained.

"Not exactly…" Mallory groaned.

FLASHBACK!

A third grade production of Peter Pan on a stage in a private boy's school way back in time. A nervous young boy in a Peter Pan costume was standing in the spotlight. On one side were some boys dressed up like lost boys. And on the other were some boys dressed like pirates.

" _You're a crook Captain Hook…"_ The nervous young boy sang on stage.

" **You're** a crook, Jeremy!" Young Archer was heard in the background.

"Sterling! Hush!" A male teacher was heard in the background.

"But I want to be Peter Pan!" Young Archer whined.

"Well you're not! You're a Lost Boy! Deal with it!" The male teacher snarled.

"Uh, uh…" Jeremy stopped singing. Then he resumed. _"I'm Peter Pan and I…"_

"WET THE BED!" Young Archer was heard yelling. "JEREMY GREEN WETS THE BED!"

"I DO NOT!" Jeremy shouted.

"He's a bed wetter!" Young Archer shouted. "Bed wetter!"

"You really want to go **there** Archer?" A young pirate shouted.

"Go to Hell _Winthrop!"_ Young Archer was heard shouting back. "You wuss!"

"Sterling Archer get over here!" The male teacher was heard hissing.

"NO!" Young Sterling shouted. "OWW! LET GO OF ME! THIS IS CHILD ABUSE!"

"Sterling! Stop it! Pernell stop eating your hat!" The male teacher shouted from off stage. "Jeremy go on!"

Jeremy nervously went back to singing. _"You're a crook Captain Hook…I'm Peter Pan and I can…"_

"SUCK IT ASSHOLE!" Young Archer shouted. The sound of a foot stomping on a body part was heard.

"YEEOOWWWWW!" The male teacher was heard screaming.

"Sterling! Get back here!" Someone else shouted.

"GET OUTTA THE WAY LOSER!" Young Archer ran out and shoved Jeremy to the ground. "I'm the **real** Peter Pan and this guy is a fraud!"

"NO I'M NOT!" Jeremy shouted as he got up. Young Archer responded by punching him in the face. "YEOWWWWWW!"

"Yes! I am the real Peter Pan!" Young Archer threw off his Lost Boy's hat and grabbed the Peter Pan hat.

"You bwoke my nooooooosee!" Jeremy wailed as some blood trickled from his nose. He collapsed on the floor and bawled his eyes out.

Young Archer put the hat on his head. "Yes! I am the real Peter Pan! This dick is an impostor! Placed by Captain Hook! It's a plot by him to kill me! The Real Peter Pan!"

"No, it's not!" The boy playing Captain Hook snapped.

"Shut it asshole!" Young Archer barked.

"You said a bad word!" A young boy in a pirate costume gasped.

"Oh go finish eating your hat Pernell!" Young Archer yelled. He moved closer to center stage kicking Jeremy. "I am the Real Peter Pan and I say Lost Boys! It's time to kick some pirate ass!"

"That's not how the script goes Sterling!" Captain Hook snapped.

"That's how it goes **now** , _Hamilton!_ " Young Archer barked. "Or should I say **Ham** **Sandwich**! Wait, I had something better for this…"

"You are just a loser Sterling Archer!" Hamilton shouted.

"You're the loser!" Young Archer punched him hard. Then he started wailing on the pirates. "COME ON LOST BOYS!"

The Lost Boys looked at each other. Then decided to go along with it. Soon there was a brawl onstage. Fists were flying. Parts of the set were being broken. And broken over kids' heads.

"BOYS! KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF!" Several teachers ran out to stop the brawl. "STERLING ARCHER YOU ARE SO…OWWW!"

"And now I'm Burt Reynolds!" Young Archer ran amok on stage. Kicking over parts of the set and teachers alike.

"ARCHER! ARCHER! OWWWW! ARCHER!" The teachers shouted.

" _EASTBOUND AND DOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNN!"_ Young Archer sang wildly as he ran around.

"You are so going to get in trouble Archer!" Jeremy sobbed on stage. "I hope you get expelled!"

"Eat a dick, Jeremy!" Archer laughed as he ran off stage.

"STERLING ARCHER GET AWAY FROM THAT FIRE ALARM!"

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINNNNGGGG!

"ARCHER!" The male teacher was heard yelling.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Young Archer was heard laughing.

"What a horrible little monster! Whose child **is that**?" A woman in the audience gasped in horror at the chaos onstage.

A younger Mallory Archer with black hair sat next to her. "I have **no idea** ," She said with a straight face.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Do you have **any idea** how **humiliated** I was?" Mallory snapped. "I had to pretend that special needs student eating his costume was my son! It was **less embarrassing**!"

"I didn't know you were there," Archer said.

"After the way you acted, I didn't want **anyone** to know I was there!" Mallory snapped. "Now Krieger's shows on the other hand…"

FLASHBACK!

A high school stage in the past. A young teenage Krieger with a smaller wispier beard was playing a drum solo onstage with a band.

"That's my son!" A younger Mallory with black hair with grey streaks was shown. She sat proudly in the audience.

"Oh! He's very talented!" A woman sitting next to her said kindly. "Do you have any other children?"

"No," Mallory said simply. "He's an only child."

FLASHFORWARD!

"You said **what?** " Archer shouted.

"You heard me," Mallory sniffed. "I pretended Krieger was my son! My **only** son!"

"Oh yeah! Well I pretended that you're **not** my mother! AND I STILL DO!" Archer shouted.

"How could you say that to me?" Mallory yelled.

"How could you not have a picture of me in your wallet?" Archer shouted.

"She also doesn't have Ron's picture in her wallet," Cheryl noticed as she held the photos. "Which is pretty telling if you think about it."

"Shut up Sniffer-Ella!" Mallory barked. "And I do have a picture of you in my wallet! Somewhere!"

"I don't see where," Cheryl said. "Oh here's a picture of you and Krieger standing outside some theater where the Wiz was playing."

"YOU TOOK KRIEGER TO SEE THE WIZ INSTEAD OF ME?" Archer shouted.

"He deserved it more!" Mallory snapped back.

"Jazz hands!" Krieger motioned.

"Let's see what other pictures are in here," Pam had taken the photos. "Ms. Archer. Ms. Archer and her dog. Ms. Archer and Burt Reynolds…"

"I'll concede to **that one** ," Archer admitted to his mother.

"Another couple pictures of Ms. Archer and her dog," Pam flipped through. "A picture of you and Jackov when you were young on a beach somewhere. A picture of you and Len Trexler on another beach somewhere. Oh here's a cute one of AJ! And…Ms. Archer and some guy at some kind of party. Where everybody's wearing masks but no costumes. Or clothes of any kind."

"So let me get this straight," Archer fumed. "No pictures of me, your own son. But you do have pictures of your dog, enemy agents, naked strangers, Burt Reynolds and Krieger!"

"And AJ!" Mallory snapped. "She is my grandchild after all!"

"And again none of your **own husband,"** Cheryl added.

"I thought I put one in there!" Mallory shouted.

"And how drunk were you when you thought you put one in?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh my god! You know what this means?" Cyril laughed. "Mallory spent more time with her pseudo-adopted son Krieger than with her **actual son**! Which is you Archer!"

"This explains a lot," Ray nodded. "About all three of them."

"She does take Krieger on outings a lot so…" Pam added. "Yeah, that totally makes sense now."

"I'd forgotten about that!" Archer barked. "You take _him_ out on outings but not me?"

"At least Krieger **appreciates it** when I do!" Mallory snapped. "And doesn't make up stupid excuses to avoid spending time with me!"

"Yeah!" Krieger said. "You know you really should spend more time with our mother."

"SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER! SHE'S **MINE**!" Archer shouted.

"Oh **now** you admit it," Mallory folded her arms.

"You spent more time raising a **Hitler clone** than your **own son**?" Archer shouted.

"Okay there's no real proof that I'm a _Hitler_ clone," Krieger spoke up.

"Yeah since you might actually be a _Krieger_ clone…" Cheryl spoke up.

"That too…" Krieger frowned.

"Again this explains **so much** ," Lana groaned.

"I'm out of here!" Archer began to storm out.

"Sterling get back here!" Mallory ordered.

"If you want anything done, why don't you get your **other son** to do it?" Archer shouted as he left.

"He's not my **real son**! He's my **fake son**!" Mallory snapped as she got up to follow him. "There's a difference! Sterling! Sterling! Get back here! Those papers are mostly not legal anyway!"

"MOSTLY NOT LEGAL?" Archer shouted.

"Well I had to make it look good in order to get him into the country," Mallory protested as she went after him. "So he might technically sort of be your semi-adopted brother? Big deal!"

"Wait, _semi-adopted?"_ Krieger did a double take. "Hang on! Ms. Archer? Or…Mother! Mother!" He got up and followed them. "Mother?"

"SHE'S MY MOTHER!" Archer shouted. "NOT YOURS! MINE!"

"Well she could be mine legally!" Krieger shouted.

"Honestly I don't want **either** of you right now!" Mallory yelled.

"So Lana," Cyril gave Lana a look. "Looks like little AJ's uncle might be a Hitler clone. Explain to me **again** why you didn't think **my DNA** was _good enough_ for **your child?"**

"Typical!" Archer shouted. "I'm going to the bar! Hopefully I'll drink enough to forget this conversation **ever happened!"**

"Knowing you, you probably will!" Mallory shouted back.

"Wait for me brother!" Krieger said.

"YOU ARE NOT MY BROTHER!" Archer shouted. "At least you probably aren't…"

"Seriously," Cyril folded his arms. "Walk me through this. How an immature alcoholic man whore who _already_ impregnated a **hooker** , who is also related to **Mallory Archer** and might be related to a possible _Hitler clone_ has better DNA than **me**?"

"When he puts it like that it is kind of a toss-up," Ray admitted.

"Boy you really didn't think this through did you?" Cheryl laughed at Lana.

"No, I did not…" Lana groaned.


End file.
